"Within Normal Limits" = Invisible

But that is how the medical community treated me... Invisible.  The evening of 5/21/200, I was kicked behind the right ear while teaching martial arts, and in that instant (which I don't remember), I suffered a closed head injury (a traumatic brain injury or TBI) and my life changed forever.  The only thing I remember after that and for the 4 months following was being awakened that night by pain - pain like someone was driving a metal stake into my brain.  I remembering stumbling to the bathroom, taking some ibuprofen, and stumbling back to bed.  I lived alone with my 3 dogs and I could not think.  My notes tell me I saw medical doctors and was diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome.  Since it was a work comp claim, my employer assumed I must be malingering and sent me to a neuropsychologist, who did an evaluation and declared that all was within normal limits and I was, therefore, fine.  The work comp claim was terminated, and eventually, the doctors caring for me felt it had been long enough, I should be fully recovered, and that was the end of it.  Whatever was still going on was "all in your head" (i.e., psychological).  I was left to deal with everything I was experiencing on my own, but I was definitely not normal, at least not for me and probably not for anyone else.  I have come to hate the phrase, "within normal limits".   

Years went by and I kept asking medical providers about everything I was experiencing:  headaches, balance problems, vertigo, decreased coordination, vision problems.  As always, I was "within normal limits".  I had trouble at work - lots of trouble.  Supervisors told me that I did not follow directions, didn't do what I was told, was difficult, "high-maintenance", hard to get along with, didn't focus, or stay on task.  I was confused - I knew I was doing what I heard I was told.  So, I started using active listening skills - repeating, rephrasing, asking clarifying questions.  Then supervisors told me I was argumentative and questioning their authority.  All of this was completely at odds with who I had always known myself to be:  focused, highly intelligent, competent, mentally quick, physically gifted.  I did not know what to do with this incredible conflict between who I knew myself to be and who everyone else told me I was.  I did the only thing I knew to do - I took it all to heart - they must be correct.  I was a bad employee and person.  

The TBI didn't turn me in to the sad, tentative, isolated person with no self-confidence and no self-esteem that I became.  I lay that blame not on the people around me but on the medical professionals who wouldn't listen to me and said I was "within normal limits".

It took 11 years until my chance encounter with an article reporting on post-concussion-syndrome research at the local medical school, an email to the researcher so extensively quoted in that article, and a family doctor with an open mind that would finally lead to a diagnosis and treatment.  Things were getting better for me.  I still remember the exact words a the researcher's colleague said after he did a quick post-concussion evaluation.  

"I've got the results of the testing and it IS all in your head.....but it is physical damage, not psychological issues.  You suffered a TBI and suffer from its effects.  We can't heal it, but we can help you function better with accommodations."  

Amazing what turning an unknown into a known can do.   With treatment and both the accommodations I was learning for myself and the official accommodations I now had at work, I was making progress.  I wasn't the smooth-running, well-oiled, high-performance, athletic and intellectual human machine I had been before the TBI, but I was doing much, much better and I was once again experiencing successes personally and professionally.  I met an amazing woman who loved me as I was, and we joined our lives together.  I was making progress with my doctoral research.  I had gained a measure of peace with what I had to give up (my beloved martial arts for one).  I was beginning to accept who I was now after the TBI.  I was learning to be happy  again, and I was slowly gaining a bit of confidence.  And then.....

Two accidents in quick succession and 2 more concussions.  A heavy object fell on me, landing on the left side of my head the evening of August 28, 2014, and then I must've lost my balance and and I fell down the stairs on September 25, 2014, striking the right side of the top of my head and injuring my right shoulder when I landed (I have no memory of this second event - only what my wife tells me she saw happen).  I am not back where I started for good and bad.  The good:  being guided by the TBI that I was already documented to have suffered, the diagnosis was immediate, and so I have begun treatment quickly.   The bad:  all my existing problems are much, much worse, and I have new problems.  Reading and writing are both incredibly difficult and time-consuming for me now, so each blog post will take a great deal of effort and time.

Still, I will learn to cope and accommodate my new reality, but I don't know where I will end up except that I will continue traveling my path.  And part of my path is to share what I am experiencing with whoever cares to read about it here.  Stay tuned....